my journal

3:11pm: .insert overrated rant here.

12:13am:
this is me friday night. thanks to elise's cool camera

3:54am: sometimes i get tired of the same old stuff every day. i don't understand why i cant just be happy the way i am. i have good friends and a good family and all that good stuff. and sometimes i do feel really happy and grateful but other times.. i feel like something just comes over me and i know that the happiness won't last long. im trying not to be all whiney about my problems. and i'm not possessive or anything, i want her to be happy. and i dont think all this sadness is about her. i just miss her and stuff. it just sucks now that im out of school i have to get going somewhere with my life. it seems like once you turn 18, you have to start back at square one with almost everything, or at least that's what it feels like. and i feel like i'm always going to be stuck at square one with this dead beat job and these sleepless nights. even though its fun and hanging out is great, sometimes i catch myself wanting to just be at my parents house in my room sleeping instead of watching everyone act like idiots. sometimes i want to be a kid again so i wouldnt have to worry with so much. i had to get that off my chest. last night thomas and i went out. we met up with everyone and just sat around and drank and ate ramen noodles. donny is funny when he is drunk. today (or yesterday? its 4 in the morning jesus) i went to work, then came home and crashed on the couch. i woke up like an hour ago, and here i am. just another wasted day. the end.

12:26pm: i just got home from school. some girl told me that my loud stationwagon is hot. she wanted to know if i wanted to eat lunch together but i told her i'd take a rain check because i mean, why not, she seems interesting and she's pretty. i'm just so tired from not being able to sleep very much. i'm not sick, i feel pretty okay. i just play video games for hours and i've been reading a lot of books. i didn't sleep for a different reason last night though that i still find hard to believe. lydia actually stopped by and wanted to talk. i started to just close the door but i couldn't. i let her in and we sat on my bed. i felt stupid because neither of us said anything and maybe it was good. she then spoke up and said that she could not hang onto me forever just because i can't let go and she apologized. i don't mean to make her feel like i am possessive or obsessed or anything i just want her around some times again. things seemed like they were kind of better then and maybe i just want some of that back. i can cope though because i mean, this happens right? it is life to lose what you really care about and have to start over again. that is what i keep telling myself and it helps. we got along for the most part. no fighting or yelling or crying or pleading. i'm not depressed or anything though so i hope no one thinks that. kierra thought that and told donny that they need to look out for me which i appreciate but it makes me feel helpless and stupid
donny and i are going to go play pool somewhere new tonight it's going to be fun and good for me. right now i'm hungry though

3:15am: i have no idea why i can't stay happy for long. at the uniden, things were cool. i have been going the past couple of nights like i use to. karan and thomas showed up and we played pool and drank a little. when the night and all started getting old, i went out to the picnic table and decided to catch up on some reading. i looked up and saw her. she was with someone and i couldn't tell who because it was getting quite dark and the light from the street light did not touch them, but i knew it was her by the way she laughed and the car they got out of. i have no idea how just that can ruin such a good mood and environment. it's been so long and it still feels like yesterday. i hate it, but i suck it up. i still have a blast. she just moves me in such a negative way, but it is all because i still care about her. i know i am better now though. i think i'm going to go over to kyle's now

12:35am: i'm going to hang out at the uniden now. if anyone wants to join me, i'll be the boy in the pink shirt and red jacket sitting on the steps. you can talk to me because i probably will want to talk to you. eighteen visions will be at the beta bar soon!

11:44pm: i just got this, now how do i use it? i'm going to add a bunch of people and make friends and look cool. maybe they can help me. tonight i went to wal-mart and drank with my best friend. it was boy's night out. i'm not gay.